Do you struggle with setting healthy boundaries? chronic people pleasing? struggle to maintain healthy relationships or unconsciously sabotage potential healthy relationships?
Healing the abandonment wound – A guide to self-love, healing, and stronger relationships.
This article isn’t for everyone, as many of my clients when they initially come to me, are unaware of the impact of this wound, they present with a variation of some or all the following challenges. This list is not exhaustive, if any of this resonates with you; it’s possible you have experienced some form of abandonment. It’s important to recognise abandonment is not limited to a physical experience, emotional abandonment can be just as damaging, in some cases more so.
Signs and symptoms of the abandonment wound:
- Difficulty dealing with conflict
- People pleasing with an inability to say no or put yourself first
- Perfectionism
- Workaholic
- Eternally single, when all your friends are settled, despite putting conscious effort into finding a partner
- Inability to sustain healthy relationships
- Low self-esteem
The good news is, that healing is possible; with awareness and dedicated work, you will learn to recognise when this wound is triggered and develop strategies to manage these challenging moments. Later in the article, I will share an effective technique to support your healing.
Experiences of abandonment, in varying degrees, are common during childhood. I see this increasingly in my practice. Clients come to me with a range of challenges, including those mentioned above, and through deeper exploration, we often uncover some type of abandonment experience. Here are a few examples:
- Being ignored
- Being told your opinions weren’t valid
- Being told you were too loud, too sensitive, too quiet etc.
- Big girls/boys don’t cry
- Being left at the school gates after pickup
- Being adopted
- Constantly being sent outside to play, regardless of the weather
- Being told you will never amount to anything
- Being left to deal with a traumatic situation alone
- A parent/ caregiver leaving
- A parent/caregiver dying
- A violent parent
- A critical teacher
Although not immediately obvious, unmet emotional needs can lead to feelings of abandonment. The old philosophy of “children should be seen, and not heard” is one of the most emotionally damaging ways a parent can raise a vulnerable, impressionable child” And given that our parents/ caregivers were likely raised with this philosophy, it’s entirely probable they adopted this ethos when parenting us.
It’s always a good sign when this deep wound surfaces, it means it’s ready to be looked at and the healing process can begin. We can’t heal an issue if we don’t know it’s there if we are not currently experiencing the adverse effects of it in our present reality.
How To Begin Healing From The Abandonment Wound – A Step By Step Guide
The first step to healing this deep wound is awareness. Once we are aware of its effects, we start to understand our past, and relationship patterns. Suddenly past hurts begin to make sense: every broken relationship, every potential relationship we unconsciously sabotaged, every conflicting situation we shied away from, our need to be perfect, our need to show the world what we are capable of, even if it’s to the detriment of our health and wellbeing. It all starts to become clear!
